So I'm sitting in front of my computer, and staring... Why does love have to be so complicated? Why can't I just choose the person whom I ought to love... I ask this because, there is someone who loves me; yet, I seem to have no interest in him. Frankly, if I could, I would choose to love him in return. And lastly, I always run in obstacles like each person that I like, never likes me back. Yet the people I have no interest for, seems to be allured by me. I think this is the game of love. That said, is it better to simply severe the relationship or tell this person just to think of me as a friend?
I don't know... Lately, our conversations have been entering a realm where I feel very uncomfortable. When a person asks how I feel about him (more specifically, love related), I run around in circles. I do this because first and foremost, I prefer not to hurt him, and most importantly, would like to keep him as a friend. If I had no interest in him as a friend, I probably would be sincere. In this case, I'm lost... My thoughts are clashing with my own ideal of significant others. Simultaneously, I'm confused... I've managed to hurt him knowingly, and unknowingly; but through no fault of my own. He has chosen to love me... Why is it that, when I earnestly extended an offer of friendship, people want love? I'm not ready for it. I would like to be as I am. Single and Simple.
If I must find a person, I would like that person to be ambitious. Someone that has a drive and most importantly, a personality of respect and independence. Frankly, I am all of these. I find these traits so pivotal because I would like to find someone equivalent to me. Current occupation is meaningless; yet, substance is necessary. Meaning, a dream must have merit. I am career-driven, and successful. I would like to find someone at an equal level to me so we can share a life of mutual understanding, and similarities.
It has been a while since I wrote my last entry. Not sure why I'm writing now, but felt writing a journal of my life keeps my memory intact. In fact, by being anonymous I hope to provide anyone some level of consolation. If you're out there, just know that you are not alone.
Today, is May 25, 2010. From my last entry, I have changed. Change, whether unwanted or intended has introduced me to a whole different lifestyle. Even now, I can't clearly determine if the actual outcome has been more positive or negative. Not sure where to begin... My mind is filled with topics that ranges from events to my self reevaluation.
If I have to start, let me first open the journal with some background on myself. I know that I'm different to gays and straight alike. I have a blend of two traits. Like diaspora (the term for ethnic identity), I have a clash with my straight and homosexual life style preferences. I believe the issue originates from my clearly different upbringing. Amongst straight colleagues, I fit in... However, with homosexuals, I am considered too different. I guess the proper term would be conservative. In my lifetime, I have spoken to a few, but have never met others like myself. I grew up in a military and a highly traditional family. With my parents instilling more traditional values, I find myself lost. I can't seem to balance meeting societal expectations to my personal set expectations.
So here I am... Writing to connect with others. How did you discover yourself? Have you ever found yourself somewhere in between two opposing society? What have you done?
Two nights ago, my friend fell asleep as I watched the Mummy 3 or 4. As he lied next to me, he left his private area free of debris... While he wrapped his chest with the blanket, his crotch area was free and accessible. I naturally took this as an invitation for me to indulge on his crotch... Each night it was the same routine... I would have my lips and suck his cock... Of course, fully clothed... I would feel his penis becoming tenser and tenser... with every hard suck, he would send a pulse to his penis... the more friction I provided, the more pulse he gave to me... His pleasure, by all means gave me more excitement and a desire to take greater risk... Was this a sign? I took this as an indirect message of approval, and so finally began to explore the nether realms. First, I placed my hands under his pants and slowly with my fingers moved his boxer briefs above my hand... This gave me access first to his pubic hair and slowly, his warm penis... Immediately, I began sucking and slowly jacking him off... By his pulsation, I knew he was enjoying... and his beautiful precum further gave me the fuel to take the next step...
At this point, I debated... Should I go to the next step, and suck him? After quietly thinking, I decided to finally test him. I gradually pulled his pants off, and there was his thick 6 inch penis... I mean I was really shocked... It was literally the size of my mouth... His cock was enormous... And so, I quietly started kissing it... At first, I refused to suck it... I guess, I felt teasing him would be ideal... I continued to kiss and began licking his penis... His firmness to my eyes was a sign of approval... and so I finally took the next step... I began sucking him... After sucking him for 1 minute, he quickly got up and told me to stop... Rather than screaming at me, he simply asked what I was doing... And afterward, he just went back to bed...
Absolutely. As the writeups above this one demonstrate.
And, in my experience, the more hedonistic a man is, the more likely he is to engage in a little harmless same-sex intrigue.
There's something I find incredibly attractive about a man who finds pleasure the most powerful of drugs. It's wholly unique to each person, the things that please and pleasure them. Said pleasure can be found in light, in life, in drugs, in sex, in pain... just about anywhere one would care to look.
For the man who takes pleasure in sensation, I find that the ... the ... the very vice of homosexuality is a powerful draw for him. Not the culture, not the attendant little rituals that homosexuals adopt. The hedonistic straight man is not interested in anything like that, for he's not truly gay. All he's interested in is that new sensation. It's the naughtiness of it, the rebelliousness, the casting aside of mores and taboos, and the utter self-ingulgence of it all.
And these days, you might just find a man who'll have sex with another man to make a political statement. A backlash against radical feminism, just as many radical feminists espouse lesbianism as a protest against a male-dominant society. It's interesting, to me at least.
So, he'll flirt with me, tease me, taugnt me, touch me... he might even kiss me. If he's especially drowned in sybaritic nature, he might even deign to experiment with me.
All of it, though, in his eyes is nothing more than flirtation. A new high. A new glass full of feeling from which to drink.
After spending 2 years with my friend, it was time for my fantasy to end. Each day that passed, I realized how alone I was... I gave everything, and in a second, I lost everything... My heart aches... He probably has no idea how I feel... nor do I have the opportunity to explain... I want to rationalize, but I'm being irrational. My emotions is clouding my judgement... Is this love?
I touched him... with my hand... and he used that basis to part ways with me... My mouth and my body would touch him... no complaints but my hand was the trigger that redefined our relationship. I'm in pain, and I'm so lost. I miss his scent and his touch... His kindness and his warmth... Will I ever find another man? I think not... but this is a journal to remind me of the pain I felt for weeks.